April 2018

You belong here, with me.

Know your worth.

Clingy girls are best!

The joys of being useful.

Do you know if not losing one's temper is more common with autistic people?

keptmathilda:

Yes, I think it’s more common. I don’t know that for sure, as in ‘scientific fact’, but every autist I’ve ever known was very even tempered.

keptmathilda:

FYI - Jetlag + Detox timeout

We both have a huge jetlag and can barely keep our eyes open basically during the whole day and night so we’re kind of out of commission for the moment and won’t post much.

Also do I have my cold detox right now. We wanted and tried to do it in Germany already, did it three times and my endorphin low was so bad that I was literally prepared to kill myself just to make it stop. Everything there reminded me of my addiction, my dealer was only ten minutes away, the tiny apartment was making me go crazy, I even got in a (harmless but still) physical fight with my Master when He tried to chain me to the bed because I literally wanted to jump four meters down out of the window to either get my hands on drugs or break my neck, both would have been fine for me at this point. So we changed the plan, used the few remaining weeks in Germany to reduce the dosage as far as possible and make the final drop to zero in Canada. It’s easier when there just is no way to get drugs and in a completely new environment, and such a beautiful one.

So for everybody who sent an Ask about shackles and chains: I don’t wear them during the detox because I have cramps and I’m kicking and stretching my limbs constantly which I couldn’t do in chains. After the physical detox is through I’m back in my chains of course.

If you’re interested… I’m doing quite well, much better than back in Germany. We managed to get a few Pregabalin pills into Canada without prescription that help a little against the symptoms but at the same time switch half of my higher brain functions off so forgive me if I make more grammar mistakes or so than usually. I’m literally in a zombie state at the moment.

Okay that should cover it all. See you in awhile. Feel free to send asks but please have a little patience, I’ll answer them as soon as I’m back on my feet again.

FYI

Before you say yes

Watch how he wins.
Watch how he loses.
Watch how he treats the defenseless.
Watch how he treats animals.
Watch him driving.
Watch him interact with service workers (waiters, bellhops, drivers, etc).

See him annoyed.
See him angry.
See him frustrated.
See him sad.
See him depressed.
See him broken.
See him scared.
See him sick.
See him intoxicated.
See him in power.
See him powerless.
See him in a crisis.
See him in conflict.
See him provoked.

THEN say yes.

Is there a possibility that if you have an outside cage it will be seen by neighbors?

Not very likely, unless someone actually came up my driveway and around the back of the house.

No more appointments.

No more bills.

No more judgment.

No more uncertainty.

No chance of sun damage here! I take good care of her.

Did you put her back into her cuffs yet? Chains, and does she have a cage now?

We’re right in the middle of the final detox phase, so she’s just wearing her collar, and that’s how it will stay for a couple of weeks. I’ll be setting up the blue cage and finishing construction of the outdoor cage later.

Canadian milk is strange enough to a German to merit a picture ;-)

How does it feel having Dovey at your home turf? Do you feel more control in Canada than Germany? Was Sasha nice to you? How do Dovey and Sasha like each other? She's a very pretty cat.

It’s nice to be back in the peacefulness of the countryside. I feel more centered and at peace in this kind of place, but it could just as well be in Germany or anywhere, really.

Sasha fell right back into her old routine. It’s as if I were here yesterday. Sasha and Dovey are getting along just fine :)

not really an ask but... SASHA! :D

Sasha!!!!!!!

What part of canada?

British Columbia, at the foot of the Rockies

keptmathilda:

I’m in Canada! Yay!

After an almost 24 hours travel odyssey incl six hours layover in Heathrow we finally arrived at my Master’s house yesterday at night. Now it’s seven in the morning, I’m sitting on the deck having a cigarette and the only thing I hear are birds and a donkey. No people, no traffic….. It’s great.

image

A change of scene! A new life! Aren’t you excited, honey?

Off to Canada!

The time has come to go to Canada for awhile!

We have nature there! We have trees! Lots and lots of trees!

Nature girls are fun girls!

How long will you be in Canada?

Half a year about.

How about some recipes!

We’ll add some once we’re settled in Canada!

This is mine. All of it is mine.

First off great advice you always give.Might I ask purpose of the copper chain?

It’s a form of birth control, similar to the copper coil. The primary difference is that the copper coil has two “wing” parts to keep it in place inside the uterus:

image

This, of course, is a terrible idea. The “wings” can easily puncture the uterus when jarred. The copper chain is instead attached to the top of the uterus and hangs down (so imagine the above with no “wings”, and attached to the top). Attaching it is a 15 minute process costing around 300 euros, causes some pain and bleeding for a few days, and you need a checkup in a couple of weeks to make sure it all worked, but after that it’ll prevent pregnancies for 5 years with no hormonal balance issues (the pill is very nasty in this respect).

Unfortunately, the copper chain is completely unknown outside of Europe, and even here the coil is more well known. I couldn’t even find pictures in google image search! Contraception is one of those weird topics where nearly flawless, side-effect free solutions do exist (for both men and women), but you’ll probably never see them because politics.

Update: Much more info:

https://keptmathilda.tumblr.com/post/168676965050/touchofcontrol-keptmathilda-copper-chain

https://keptmathilda.tumblr.com/post/173028951565/what-are-side-effects-of-the-copper-chain-i-mean

http://www.naturalgynae.com/downloads/GyneFix%20Patient%20Phamplet.pdf

How was first sex without shackles now?

We haven’t. Her uterus needs to heal from the copper chain installation, and by the time that’s healed she’ll be in full cold turkey detox. And in 4 days she’ll be back in chains again.

Do you put some mental resteraints on her instead, now?

We’re very much low protocol atm out of necessity and practicality as we move halfway across the planet and at the same time do the final phase of her detox.

It’s good to add new poses to her repertoire.

Shackles Off!

We’re heading out to visit relatives today before going to Canada, and so it is with heavy hearts that we remove her shackles :(

It’s been 8 months since I locked them on, and it shows:

The trouble with chrome plated brass is that the plating wears off, especially with such extensive wear.

I managed to find a stainless steel version of her collar (which is surprising considering that KUB manufactures mostly brass products), but no such luck for the ankle and wrist shackles. In the kink community, stainless is used almost exclusively for collars and for outrageously heavy bondage gear. Stainless steel has an 80% higher tensile strength while being 10% less dense, so even these “lightweight” shackles could be half the size of their brass counterparts and still have a weight load limit of over 300kg!

But as these all come from a single manufacturing plant in China (regardless of where you buy them from, or whether they say “stainless steel”), I’m SOL for this model :/

I’m tempted to just strip the plating off entirely and leave them as exposed brass (which will tarnish but oh well). Meanwhile, the search goes on for some comfortable, stainless steel, permanent wear shackles that don’t have sharp edges and aren’t cripplingly heavy (literally)…

She’s a keeper!

Congrats on your new job! Will you work during your vacation in Canada?

Our time in Canada isn’t a vacation; it’s to deal with a bunch of things before I emigrate to Europe. So yes, I will be working :)

Neat design :)

I’m going to enjoy this.

Maybe the difficulties of your master with his ex stemmed also from such different cultures? I have a friend who visits his son in Australia once a year for 1 week (Christmas, New Year etc) and he NEVER stays with his ex in their old home and never in the same town. He stays in a nice hotel with his son and isn't interested to see his ex at all. He's remarried and brings his new wife and their child to join him. He told me that's what suits him and won't do it differently because he loves them.

keptmathilda:

He already lived in Japan for awhile before He met His wife and knew about and adapted to Japanese culture quite well. But sure, different cultures mingled in one relationship is certainly a challenge and is a potential cause for conflict or misunderstandings. Their main issues were clearly not about culture though.
____________________

Listen guys - everybody who sent me an Ask about His Ex … You’re talking and judging about a situation you have absolutely no background information about. You don’t know about their past, about their relationships to each other, about anything except the handful out of a billion aspects that constitute a ‘family situation’ that I shared with you. You should be able to tell from our blogs, that we are adult, independent, intelligent, resourceful, emotional and peaceful people, meaning we are not looking for conflict or to hurt anybody and are able and motivated to take measures to avoid this as much as possible. But life is messy, relationships are messy and sometimes this can not be achieved a 100%. You can’t know which measures would be best for our individual family and just assume that what you think about it based on your own experiences must work in every other case too. That’s not correct. It’s not your place to judge and also are you not able to come up with solutions because you lack the vast majority of information needed to do so. Have trust in other people’s ability to manage their families on their own and stop assuming you know better what’s best for other people you don’t even know. That’s very rude and honestly also rather stupid.

I appreciate all opinions but don’t try to tell me that we would be doing something ‘wrong’ because in your world or family things look differently. Try to accept that every family is different and that you don’t know ours so there is absolutely no way you could give meaningful advice.

While it’s fine to offer your perspective when you see something where your experiences might offer some insight, there’s a line where it crosses into judgment.

That judgment is highly disrespectful because you’re telling us that our own judgment is deficient, and arrogant because you actually think you know enough about the situation to judge. Here’s a hint: You don’t. You see less than 1% of our lives through the lens of our blogs.

You don’t see her going from a shit-ton of 40% heroin, fentanyl, morphine, and methadone (all at once!) to less than 200mg of 5-10% pure heroin per day in 8 months. You don’t see the struggles with depression. You don’t see my struggles with my job (now thankfully solved). You don’t see how we stick together through thick and thin, and NEVER go to bed angry or without having dealt with any issues that would drive a wedge between us. You don’t see us fighting family issues, financial issues, government issues, immigration issues, bureaucratic issues, legal issues, detox issues, personal issues, and often just collapsing into bed exhausted at the end of the day. Life don’t hand you SHIT, and you don’t deserve what you won’t fight for.

But throughout everything, our perspective remains clear. We know where we want our relationship to go, and we’ll fight tooth and nail against ANYTHING that gets in the way of that.

I can teach her anything.

For the sake of argument, he could have tried to shape her in a sub of his dreams image. I think he just didn't fathom it was possible. If she feels great remorse she can try to win him back. It's good you do not feel threatened by her existence because it's an unpleasant situation to say the least. I agree with you that it's not likely he would remarry her. Like you say, he must have his needs met and now he has you. Still, for that alone I could never be with someone in this predicament.

keptmathilda:

You can’t shape someone into a submissive. You are born this way, or not. That’s like you can’t turn a straight into a gay guy or the other way around. You can make someone do or endure things that are against their character of course by threats, force or conditioning but that’s not the same. Who is not a submissive will never be a submissive as every submissive will never not be a submissive.

This seems to be a common misconception, right up there with “fucking a lesbian straight.”

You can’t change a person’s sexual preference. You can’t change a person’s submissiveness/dominance level. You can fake differently than you are, but not consistently.

Happiness, joy, and fulfillment.

Aww! You’re so cute <3

I know she’ll always be there for me.

You’re really fucking ugly lmao

Whaaaat??? I had no idea!

My world, crushed! The horror!

keptmathilda:

LLwMD#1 - Communication

A story about something that once happened during His (vanilla-)marriage that my Master recently told me when we were talking about autism problems. I try to quote it as literal as possible but since I don’t remember every word or exact phrase I fill the gaps with my own words:

Him: “One day my wife came to me with a woman’s jacket in her hands and asked me ‘Whose jacket is this?’. I didn’t know so I said ‘I don’t know whose jacket it is.’ and continued doing my own stuff. For me the topic was closed but she only got angry and asked again 'Whose jacket is this? It’s not mine! So whose it is?’. She didn’t seem to understand that I don’t know the answer to this question so I told her again 'I’ve never seen this jacket before so I wouldn’t know whom it belongs to. I don’t know whose jacket this is.’ She dropped the matter for awhile and then came back, asking the same question again. I told her the same thing, that I don’t know this jacket. I had no clue why she reacted like this to such an unimportant detail. This went on for hours, at some point I was getting a little angry myself, telling her 'I have no fucking idea whose jacket this is! Why does it even matter? There’s a jacket. It’s not yours. So what? Now you have a new jacket. Throw it away, sell it, wear it, do whatever the hell you want with it, I don’t care.’ After this response she dropped the matter once more and later picked it up again once more and I realized I had to find some sort of answer or this will never stop so I said 'Maybe it’s my mother’s jacket.’ and she said 'Then call her and ask!’ so I did, described the jacket to my mother and in fact it was really hers.” This seemed to finally satisfy her.

*deep breath* … You see what happened here? (And how difficult it was not to laugh during this story? lol - Anyway…)

Me, almost speechless: “Eeehm… like… really? You’re seriously telling me that you didn’t get it? For hours? Of her asking this question over and over again? You didn’t understand what was behind this??”

Him: “Yes, I didn’t get it. Later I realized what this was really about but in this situation I didn’t get it. I was totally confused why she was making such a big deal of this fucking jacket.”

Okay so…. I must admit, there is a comedy element in this, but if you think it through, the implications of this are immense and quite tragic.

What His wife really meant was of course something else, or rather much more, than what she said. She said 'Whose jacket is this?’ but she meant 'Whose jacket it this? - It’s a woman’s jacket. It’s not mine. So it’s another woman’s jacket. The jacket is in our apartment. So another woman must have been in our apartment. Without me knowing about it. Ergo you’re seeing other women behind my back. Ergo there’s a possibility that you are cheating on me. And that’s in fact my assumption. And that’s why I’m angry.’ That was the message of 'Whose jacket is this?’ but my Master mostly doesn’t understand messages *behind* words, especially not if He doesn’t have time to analyze the situation and when the (hidden) message is about a concept that’s totally alien to Him like cheating.

I once asked Him if He was ever thinking about cheating or at least imagining it during His marriage since it was completely vanilla and therefore for Him naturally completely unsatisfying and He said No. I asked Why not? and the simple answer was 'The thought just never occured to me.’ I asked more detailed 'So even though you’re a natural dominant and sadist married to a bitchy non-submissive woman, you never imagined dominating or doing any kind of BDSM stuff with somebody else? I’m not talking about doing it but only the thought. It would be a natural reaction when basic needs are unfulfilled long-term, what do you think why you didn’t have it?’ and He said 'When I’m in a relationship I can’t imagine being with somebody else. So I would have had to imagine doing these things with her. But she is not submissive so it wouldn’t be possible. If it’s not possible in reality, it’s not possible in my imagination either. So even if I would have wanted to, I couldn’t have imagined it. But I didn’t, it just never occurred to me. Because it’s not a possible part of reality.’ - So it’s somehow beyond His mental capabilities to imagine something that is not possible in the real world and since Him cheating meets this criterium from His perspective it’s not part of His mental repertoire. And therefore He didn’t understand His wife’s 'hidden message’ in the jacket situation because what she was suggesting, that the jacket could be an indication for Him cheating, is not a part of His inner landscape. What you’ve never seen before, you naturally don’t recognize if somebody shows it to you, especially if it’s hidden under something else.

You could say now that it’s a great thing, that He can’t imagine cheating, that this is kind of not even existent in His individual reality, and of course it is, but this is not about one specific topic but a general deficiency.

Schulz von Thun, a German psychologist and communication expert, postulated the model of the 'four layers of a message’ you may have heard about. It says that every message (spoken, written or nonverbal) has four elements which are: Objective information, self expression/revelation, relationship between sender and receiver, appeal. For example the husband on the front seat says while at a traffic light to his wife behind the wheel 'It’s not getting any greener’. The information is 'The traffic light is green’. The self expression is 'I’m annoyed that you’re still not going, that you don’t pay attention / I’m in a hurry.’ The relationship info is 'They are relatively close to each other (you wouldn’t say this to a stranger or your boss) and that he maybe has not the highest respect for her.’ The appeal is 'Drive already!’. And the latter is basically what he really 'meant’. Normally people have a relatively good intuitive feeling for these layers and are able to understand which is the one that someone means even if it’s not the one they verbalize. But my Master has immense problems to understand any other layer than the actual information. He understands what you say, not what you mean and thereby fails to perceive a big part of what communication is (about).

We had many situations already where this became a problem but by now we are aware of it so there’s a way to cope: I have to make sure that I say exactly what I mean. For example once I said 'I’m feeling so bad from my detox, my whole body hurts.’ and He said 'That sucks.’ and that was it. For a moment I felt neglected but then I remembered His way of perceiving messages and said 'That was not the response that I need right now. What I meant to say was that I need you to comfort me.’ and so He did, and quite lovely in fact. My mistake was that I gave an information about my status and expected Him to understand the appeal (comfort me) I implied instead of verbalizing the appeal itself. My Master is very compassionate and empathic as in He suffers with me when I’m feeling bad but He has trouble to understand how to react to this if I don’t tell Him what reaction exactly I need.

For me all these things are so obvious and natural and for Him it’s an alien world. But it has a huge plus side: There are virtually no misunderstandings between us because we just have to pay close attention to what exactly somebody means. There is nothing important ever left unspoken. Everything gets communicated directly and often even analyzed. This way there is no chance that underlying problems can develop and poison the harmony between us. It’s an extremely complicated world to live in but it’s a great one anyway because it’s pure and clear and always harmonic. And sometimes so cute and/or funny (:

This is basically what has led to the dissolution of almost every relationship I’ve had, professional or personal, and this whole time I’ve been unaware that such a problem even existed.

keptmathilda:

Poll about Imagination (-capabilities/-limitations)

My Master and I had an interesting conversation today about our very different ways to imagine things and we were wondering how it is for other people. He suggested to start a little poll so that’s what I’m doing now - we would appreciate it if you would provide your personal perspectives.

My Master is not capable to visualize things in His head, to imagine ‘sight’, also no smell, but He can imagine all other sensory perceptions. So He can hear sounds in an imagination, imagine to feel a touch etc but He doesn’t ‘see’ anything. He can perceive sight anyway but on a non-sensory level as in He knows what’s (visually) happening, He just doesn’t directly see it. For me it’s exactly the other way around, sight is the only sense that I can internally recreate, that I can imagine. I can’t imagine sounds, touch, smell or taste. I can perceive these things only non-sensory. Also can I not visualize things from a first person view but only from a third person view, so when I for example imagine a hug I see it from the perspective of me standing next to myself and my Master hugging each other.

How is it for you? Try to imagine someone hugging you and meanwhile telling you 'I love you’.

1) Which sensory perceptions can you and can you not imagine? Can you actually see it happening, can you hear the other’s voice, feel their arms around you, can you imagine that this person smells like something or can you imagine that their skin is salty?

2) If you can imagine more than one, which is the strongest sense?

3) If you can visualize it, meaning imagining sight, from what perspective do you perceive the situation? Through your own eyes, meaning through the eyes of the person that gets the hug, or from a third person view, meaning like watching it from the outside?

4) Any other interesting things to report you noticed while doing this little mind experiment?

We appreciate every response via comment, reblog or ask. Thank you (:

what is the strongest humiliation she can enjoy to endure? Or which strongest (maybe different?) you would enjoy her to endure?

Her joy in humiliation comes from her sacrifice and from making me happy. That makes it impossible to “quantify” the humiliation. I don’t do these things as a test of how extreme I can get, any more than I’d throw a stick for a dog to see how far I can make it can run. I like what I like, and what I like depends on my mood. It’s for my own enjoyment, not a contest.

She gets all the support she needs.

How would you enslave a Domme?

I wouldn’t.

You want Dovey sober correct?

If you mean not an alcoholic, then yes. If you mean never having a drink and never getting tipsy, then no.

I just want control over when that happens.

You should consider editing your list of doms to have a different title than the one currently titled the bipolar.

That post is far too widely spread and far to deeply buried for any change to have an effect at this point. When I write my next book, I’ll put more than the 30 seconds thought I put into that post.

You guys are actual relationship goals and I hope this makes your day

keptmathilda:

Oh wow, that’s really something special for me and a huge compliment. Thank you very much ❀

I hope though that I can show on my blog, or we on ours, that we are not living a fairy tale but an actual real life including real life problems. We’re not perfect. I have a troubled past, I’m a terrible slave at the moment because of the detox and my Master has to have a lot of patience with me (which He has btw - thank You, Master!). My Master recently wrote on His blog about having been fired. We once even had a serious crisis in the very beginning that almost broke our bond. And so on…

Don’t get me wrong, it absolutely makes me happy to read this. ‘Relationship goals’ is such a ‘big word’, a great compliment and I appreciate it very much and this definitely makes my night (it’s 3:30AM here) (:
I just want to make sure you (all) realize that we are normal people, doing normal things, having normal struggles, and not some ‘ideal’.

However I do see how we could represent a ‘goal’ for we are so happy beyond words and always manage to win every struggle (so far) and come out of it stronger and closer than before. Because this really is a huge achievement in a relationship. But it’s not a magical or difficult one. I tell you the ‘secret’:

Communication and Respect! We talk about literally EVERYTHING that’s going on in our heads and life. No lies, no secrets between us (we don’t even have a password in our phones and computers e.g. (and still don’t spy on each other because it would be pointless)), no doubts, no wondering. This prevents that real problems have a chance to take roots or even grow. And we have the highest respect for each other, not only I towards Him but also and to the same degree He towards me. This prevents us from hurting each other, from not taking each other seriously, from not being able to accept the other’s different opinion about something, even from ‘real’ fighting, from rising our voices, from lying, from holding back emotions etc.

These are really the 'magic’ keywords. Communication and Respect. Everybody can have a connection like we have if they just (deeply and truly) incorporate these two things in their relationship. You still will have struggles, we’re all just humans, but you’ll be able to get over them without harm, even with an improved bond to each other.

Thanks again.This was a very nice and special Ask (:

Communication and respect. I cannot emphasize this enough.

I have a pretty serious question. It's something that bothers me personally a lot... this is the thing: I like tot tie my girlfriend up in a lot of ways, preferably in a way she can't do a lot. We both enjoy this. The thing is, I 'dominate' her in a way of knowing wat I am doing (I think). And thats the thing, I don't know if I am dominant enough or that I need to be more dominant in some kind of way. Could you please help with explaining how you could be a good dominant?

Dominant means that YOU decide. It means that you make the decisions and assume responsibility for their consequences. You can listen to all the advice and help you want from as many people (submissive or dominant) as you want, but at the end of the day, the buck stops with you. You make the final decision, and you LIKE it that way.

The only way to be a bad dominant is to hold back on a decision for a bad reason. For example:

There are other things like not caring for her, not showing love, not communicating and such, but those fall under the category “traits of an asshole”.

Being “dominant enough” with a submissive means taking until you’re satisfied. It’s on you to take as much control in whatever ways you need to feel happy, without reservation, without hesitation, without guilt. She NEEDS to feel your satisfaction. If you stop before you’re satisfied, she’ll know because she’s highly tuned to that, and will feel like a failure. Your happiness is her happiness. If she’s not fulfilling (in her mind) enough of your longings and desires and cravings (and I’m not just talking sexually), she’ll start worry that she’ll lose you to someone “better” because she can’t satisfy you enough, because she’s not good enough.

So don’t add fuel to that fire. Take it away. Take more than anyone else; it’s what a dominant does. Take what you desire. Take until you’re sated.

TAKE HER.

Your suffering sets my heart aflame!

I just like to humiliate you.

I like you helpless.