December 2018

My New Home

It’s very bare bones right now as I set up the infrastructure, but my new permanent home is at https://keepingher.com/

The great purge gains steam

Why don't you link to your own yumblr-util? ;-)

Because I made some changes to make it run better in the container orchestration system I use, and it may not work in regular setups anymore. I haven’t tested it that way in a long time.

Milestone

keptmathilda:

keepingher:

A few nights ago, Dovey told me a secret that she’s never revealed to anyone else. Something dark that affects her to her very core. Something she’s ashamed of and afraid of, and couldn’t bring herself to admit to anyone, ever.

Until now.

She’s the love of my life <3

Thank You Master 🖤 Feeling You being proud of me for growing, as an individual and as Your slave - even and especially if it hurts, but doing it anyway, because it will bring us closer together - makes me so very happy. Thank You for praising me for this, for realizing and appreciating what I did there for You and us, for seeing me, all of me, not only the bright sides, but also the me in the darkness, and not looking away, turning away, but even looking closer, coming closer, and not being appalled, but proud of me for sharing my pure self with You. That You did and do this for me, makes me feel so safe with You.

***

It really was extremely difficult for me to talk about this to Him. I’ve never talked about it to anyone before. It’s something from my past, that pushed me into a heavy identity crisis of a sort, and to be honest, it is still not resolved completely. How could it be, when I never talked about it, buried it in the darkest corner of my mind… And I still wasn’t able to dig it up entirely, to speak the details out loudly. That’s how much it affects me, that even with my Master I couldn’t do that. Not because I would want to keep them secret from Him, I trust Him with everything, but because I was literally, physically not capable of saying it. I wanted it, I tried to, but my tongue just didn’t move, there was a psychological barrier, that I couldn’t overcome. But with Him, I could say more than with anybody else, even previous partners who I loved and trusted. I’ve never felt so safe, so seen, so unconditionally loved and accepted before in my life, and that enabled me to tear down at least one of the walls I had built around this ‘secret’ to keep it away from the rest of me, to make sure it wouldn’t contaminate me with its poison.

I’m glad that I could tell Him about it, even though it mentally hurt me immensely somehow to do so. - From His side, He learned something new about me, one of the things from behind the walls, and that helped Him understand me better as a whole, with all good and bad elements that I am built of. And that I was able to do it, to let Him look at a part of me that I wasn’t able to share with anybody else before, showed Him how much I trust Him, how close to Him I feel. And from my side, I could finally get something ‘off my chest’, that tortured me for such a long time already, I could start to consciously confront myself with it, rather than having it growling and clawing at me from below the threshold of consciousness, and thereby start to heal, or maybe at least learn to accept it, to coexist with my inner demons. And also I had the chance to feel what it really means to be unconditionally accepted, respected, loved, as exactly the person that I am. Not only when I show a pretty smile, but also when I rip open my stomach with my bare hands and smear my bloody guts all over Him. I could see Him stay with me, not running away, not judging or criticizing me, but being present, listening and telling me that it’s okay, that He is not shocked, that He understands.

This was an intense experience for the both of us that brought us even closer together. It let us feel once more how deep our mutual trust in one another really is. It made me feel once more how safe I am with Him. And Him how deeply I surrender to Him, every last part of me, how I open every last door in my soul for Him, how far I let Him reach inside of me…

***

It’s the difficult, dark, ugly, painful things, that burn hot enough to create a fire, in which the strongest bonds are forged… Thank You, my love, for holding my hand and walking by my side through this fire. You’re the love of my life. You are my world <3

I see you, pathetic, broken, needy, at my feet.

And I can’t help but love you.

Milestone

A few nights ago, Dovey told me a secret that she’s never revealed to anyone else. Something dark that affects her to her very core. Something she’s ashamed of and afraid of, and couldn’t bring herself to admit to anyone, ever.

Until now.

She’s the love of my life <3

As things were progressing with you and Dovey, were you more focused on developing your dynamic with Dovey or the romantic feelings? Or did the feelings just come naturally with the dynamic culminating in the marriage?

The dynamic is the easy part. I set the rules, and she follows them. I make the decisions and she abides by them. I listen to what she has to say, but my word is final. If we have problems in the dynamic, we talk about them, and then I decide what should change.

The complicated part is everything else.

Don’t forget that we moved very (even foolhardily) fast. Less than a month after meeting her a single time in person, we were living together. Less than a year after that, we’re married. We’re only just discovering each others’ joys and fears, strengths and weaknesses. It takes quite awhile to know someone so deeply that you can finish their sentences. We’re nowhere close to that yet, but we both have the dedication and loyalty to make it happen, and we’re no longer in any rush (present craziness with visas, paperwork, work, and living arrangements notwithstanding). We have all the time in the world, now.

Your relationship is far more important than whatever dynamic you might have.

Can you give any advice on software that will assist me to download and archive my tumblr blog? I am having a hard time getting that done. (And BTW I admire what you have accomplished. Kudos to you and Dovey both and best wishes for the future.) Help with archiving please!

I’m using tumblr-utils to back up our blogs.

Will you be writing a book about you and Dovey?

On our tenth anniversary, yes. We’ve already had enough excitement for a feature length movie, but you need some perspective for a book ;-)

Hi Sir, I’ve been a long time follower and just wondering whether you’d be backing up your writings on Fetlife/bdsmlr? A lot of your advice on cuffs, 24/7 relationships are really good! I hope your blog doesn’t go away :(

I’ve been keeping a running backup to a private server for years. No matter what happens, my blog content is safe.

The future

My prediction is that Tumblr will fall apart. Not quickly, but slowly. Blogs will get vaporized, people will get fed up and move on. All of the good engineers jumped ship after the Yahoo acquisition, so there’s nobody left who can maintain it. This latest change is incredibly invasive to the code, and will result in a permanently broken site.

At the moment, bdsmlr is the front runner for everyone’s new home, and I’ve reserved keeping-her on that site just in case (keepingher was taken by someone else).

So if all else fails, I have an account there, and I have a FetLife account, where I’ll definitely post where we end up (provided I remember my password…)

Consent is trust.

keptmathilda:

cinnisterquill:

Consent. Yes it’s a word we’ve heard a lot in recent times and why the heck not? It’s a really progressive thing that we’re actually focusing on consent now, and that it’s not simply a case of “yes” or “no”. The varying types of consent, or a lack there of. Today I want to draw on a situation I found myself in. Not to say “Hey look, aren’t I great?! I did what a human being with a basic moral compass should do!”. This is more about what the amazing potential outcomes of actually taking consent seriously, and understanding it past “yes” or “no”. Without further adieu, here’s a situation my darling pet and I found ourselves in.

My pet was non-sexual when I met her. She was for a couple of years. Sometimes frustrating? Sure, but she was and is worth it. She tried a couple of times to do things, but she just wasn’t able to do so. At least, not whilst she was sober.

Fast foward to a night where we’ve had altogether far too many bourbon and colas for our own good, we’re having  a good buzz and enjoying a movie. Suddenly, she’s coming on to me. She was essentially pawing at my crotch, and making it quite clear that what she wanted was me, and she wanted me in her mouth. Now. She knew what oral meant to  me, as it’s quite a fixation for me. Here’s where I had to make a decision. A fork in the road, as it were. Do I let her do it, or do I stop it? In the end, whilst it was difficult to stop, I knew she wouldn’t consent when she was sober. I wanted that blowjob like you wouldn’t believe, but I wanted her consent more. I gently pulled her up and kissed her and told her I loved her, and that it was in no way HER that was stopping me from doing it, but rather that she was drunk, that I wanted to let her, but I simply couldn’t. We then enjoyed the rest of our night, and 7 years later we’re still together.

This is where things get interesting. I honestly have no doubt that had I let her go down on me, the next morning things would’ve been awkward. Trust would have been shattered, there would have been tears, on both sides. I believe that breaking that trust, that consent would have lead to us not being together today. So whilst sometimes it can be difficult to control our urges when it comes to consent, it truly can be life changing to grit your teeth, and do what you *KNOW* is the right thing, not just go for the instant gratification.

My pet and I now live a healthy sex life. She trusts me, and with her consent, I did a lot of positive reinforcement, and gentle training to help her enjoy things. She now initiates sex, and heck. She’s often got a larger libido than myself, and whilst she will never ENJOY blowjobs, it’s something she’s happy to do for me as something of a….service, I suppose. She enjoys them to a certain extent, knowing how much I love them. (Ps. Custard as a reward for going down, worked brilliantly. Giving her custard after each oral session created an enjoyment of going down, and even starting to smell custard when she went down on me. She loves custard…)

So in the end, you need to ask yourself a big question. Do you respect the person you’re with in the moment? Do you want them to feel safe and to be able to trust you in future? Then take their consent seriously! And even if you don’t really care about that? TAKE THEIR CONSENT SERIOUSLY!!!

My Master did that for me too, on our first date, turning me down though it was obvious that I wanted Him, because under the circumstances He couldn’t be absolutely sure about my full consent.

When we met I was on heavy meds (the sedating kind that numb your brain) and after our date, it was so late that the trains didn’t drive anymore and I was basically stranded in the middle of the night, it was almost 3AM, in Cologne, with no place to stay.

He offered me to stay with Him in His hotel room. I said No. Not because I would have been scared, that He would take advantage of my vulnerable condition and situation - I’m a good judge of character and how He spoke and behaved and treated me during our date told me that He is not that kind of a guy - but because I knew, because of the meds, that I would be the one who possibly couldn’t restrain herself and that I could try to seduce Him once we’re in bed together and I get all cuddly and horny. I was so desperate for affection, attention, validation from another human being at that time. And I didn’t want to ruin it, I felt a real connection to Him and didn’t want Him to think that I would only be into this for sex, I didn’t want to contaminate something deep and emotional with something so superficial and physical as a meaningless first date fuck. So I said No, I said it would be okay for me to spend the night taking a stroll through the city until the first train leaves in the morning.

I could feel that this put Him in a difficult situation, that He apparently felt very uncomfortable with. On the one hand He didn’t want to make me come with Him, against my will, of course, He had no right to tell me what to do, to veto against my plans and use my submissive tendency to follow when a Dominant leads, insists on something, ‘against me’, to make me do something I explicitly rejected. On the other hand He realized that I was putting myself in danger by my plans to walk through a strange, big city, half drugged out, for hours, in the middle of the night, and He felt like it’s His responsibility now, to protect me, since I obviously was not capable of doing it myself in this condition.

He said that He doesn’t think that this is a good idea and offered again to come with Him. He must have thought that I could be scared He could take advantage of the situation, because He made it very clear, that He does not make this offer in order to start anything physical between us, but merely to provide me with a safe place to stay, that He doesn’t expect anything in return but only wants to make sure that I’m not out in the streets at night. I still hesitated, but after His third attempt to convince me, I finally agreed.

On His hotel room I undressed in front of Him, and even though I didn’t touch Him and didn’t say anything sexual - I managed to stay enough in control of myself not to push Him, that didn’t feel right - I think I made it very clear that I want Him and that I’m open to whatever He has in mind. But He didn’t react to that at all. He didn’t even say anything about it, He didn’t openly reject me, He just showed no response to my behavior whatsoever. Then we spent the night arm in arm in our underwear, spoon-ing each other (with a few cm distance in the lower areas), sleeping. And so I did get the affection and attention and validation, that I needed so much, from Him, just not through sex but in a much better way (thank You, my love <3).

I knew that He was telling the truth when He said, that He doesn’t make this offer in the hope or expectation of sex, but only to keep me safe. I wouldn’t have thought of Him as being dishonest or disrespectful, if He would have allowed me to make Him take me, because I knew He meant what He said and it would have been me who changed the game and not Him. I was sure that I would have wanted Him the same, if I would not have been on meds and had a clear head. I wouldn’t have considered it a violation of consent and I would not have blamed Him in any way, if He would have taken this opportunity.

But that He didn’t, told me something about His character, that was worth so much more than a night of kinky fuckery. - From His perspective, not being a mind reader, He couldn’t be sure that this is really what I want. I could have felt obligated to give Him something in return for His good deed to save me from a night in the streets. It could have been the meds that made me behave that way, instead of an expression of a genuine desire. And He had told me that it is not His intention to end up in this situation, and He didn’t want to make a liar of Himself, but show me that He stands by His word, that I can rely on Him. So He turned me down, when I was clearly willing to give Him something, that He of course would have wanted too. But being a decent man was more important to Him than that.

I’m sure I wouldn’t have thought badly about Him if He would have behaved differently. I could already tell, that He is a good man, but well, He’s a man, right? And I’m a woman, standing there almost naked and undressing Him with my eyes. That’s just how things work normally. I wouldn’t have felt violated and I think it wouldn’t have been awkward afterwards. But still, on a subconscious level, it might have done something to us, an abstract insecurity maybe, on both sides, about the other. And that He did behave the way He did, made me feel even more secure with and about Him, and that probably played a role in how our story continued… eventually leading to our wedding (:

I’m so proud to have such a good man by my side!

I love You, Master ♥️

I would have blocked her advances no matter how hard she tried. It was a matter of principle, and on that I will not budge, no matter my desires.

I knew what I’d found, and I knew that, even though our chances were slim, starting things right meant that we’d be on a good footing in terms of trust and intimacy.

She is the love of my life, and I’m glad I stuck to my guns.

what are those subtle ways he is showing dominance?

keptmathilda:

Reference

Just these ‘normal’ little things, in which a Dynamic like ours expresses itself kind of automatically.

For example..

- Grabbing my hair and pulling my head in a certain position to kiss me. Or pulling me closer by grabbing the ring on my collar.

- Giving me a slap on my ass when I walk by.

- Saying things like “You’re mine” or “You’re such a good girl” etc

- If I have something to do and I’m procrastinating telling (ordering) me “Do it. Now.”

- Taking what He wants, sexually, without asking. Making me work for His satisfaction / orgasms, or using me for this purpose. He is pretty ‘selfish’ when it comes to sex, and I love that (so in the end it’s not really selfish anymore since it turns me on too, but whatever).

- Caring for me.

- Making the decisions for us.

- Calming me down when I’m worrying too much about things.

- Teasing me in potentially every context about potentially everything in His very own half sadistic half ironic way. He has a good sense for pushing it just far enough that it satisfies His sadism but doesn’t completely drive me up the walls. Weirdo, haha…

Nothing special, you know, just being in charge in general, taking responsibility, satisfying His wants. But also caring for my needs. We’re just not being 'kinky’ (chains and stuff) at the moment in these super stressful, chaotic times, but it doesn’t need kink to be dominant or submissive.

Dominant or submissive is what you are. Kink is just one of the things we happen to do when I want it.

More Tumblr BS

So now apparently people can’t even comment on my posts..

Which is bullshit because there is no setting for this.

With the great purge coming it has been great to follow you over the years. It has been amazing to watch you and her grow and you two deserve the best in the future. You two really seem to have been meant for each other and hopefully someday we can all find the same happiness.

Aww thanks :)

Oh noes! Now that Tumblr actually did the foreseeable and aims to ban all adult/erotic blogs, what do you two plan to do? Please do stay online and findable, you are a huge inspiration (and a great source of bondage porn ;-))! Thanks for all the new thoughts over all those years!

Yeah, we’ll figure something out to stay online. I’m not sure where we’ll go yet, but I’ll post links from here once we do.

Adult content about to be banned on December 17th

I read that if you really need to grab a girls attention a cold shower is an appropriate punishment So I tried it with my sub and it stopped her behavior but it also stoped all behavior she's been less bubbly more mellow I think I messed up

keptmathilda:

thetriskeliondiaries:

delightfulsubgirl:

instructor144:

Ya think? What boneheaded gomer thinks that a cold shower is an appropriate punishment??

Did she consent to this? Is this a punishment you discussed beforehand? If not your behavior is extremely abusive. Drinking cold water or splashing cold water on your face can be effective but only if it’s something you’re open to and willingly consenting to. If you decided to pick her up and toss her in the shower like in a League of Their Own… you’re an ass and you need to throw out any other advice from that source. You also need to step back and re-evaluate all other methods your using. Don’t trust your own judgement.

Holy SHIT.

This is grounds for a dynamic ending. Jesus fuck.

Bad. No.

This post is much more than just an answer to this particular Ask (part 1) but eventually an appeal to the community (part 2) about a general trend that worries me. So please keep reading to the end. Also, warning: Long, controversial post.

________

PART I

With respect, @instructor144 @delightfulsubgirl @thetriskeliondiaries, I find these responses inappropriate and unfair towards the person who wrote the Ask.

***

Allow me to elaborate…

We have no background or context information whatsoever here that would allow a fair judgment. A cold shower is not something universally, by nature, abusive, it poses no direct threat to somebody’s physical or mental health.

Maybe this is about a cultural difference here more than one merely about different individual opinions. I don’t know about America but in Europe a cold shower is actually known to be quite healthy and doesn’t have primarily a negative connotation. In the Scandinavian countries people, of all ages, jump into half frozen rivers after up to 15 min in a up to 80°C/176°F sauna (only people without a heart condition obviously), in Germany the ‘Wechseldusche’ ~ ’(Temperature-)Change Shower’ is a fitness-thing, where you shower alternately a minute very hot and very cold each a few times. My mom is 65 and does it every morning, it jump starts your blood circulation to peak efficiency, and by extension your brain.

So technically it is correct, that a cold shower makes you more focussed, while it does not involve any health risks (provided we’re talking about a generally healthy person) whatsoever.

Therefore I don’t see why it would inherently be ‘abusive’ or even only in general an 'inappropriate punishment’, let alone justify a breakup. As @delightfulsubgirl said, it’s about consent here, as with anything. Anything is abuse if conducted without consent, but we have no information about anon’s Dynamic and what his sub consented or not consented to. To just assume a lack of consent rather than the opposite is pretty unfair.

***

Furthermore, and to me it appears that this is mainly what happened here, you cannot define or judge an action in retrospect only based on the result. Even the American justice system, which is not exactly known to be the most just in the Western world, doesn’t do that. You’re not in any case a murderer because you do something and in the end someone is dead. Likewise you’re not an abuser, or someone who generally shouldn’t trust in his own judgements, or should be broken up with, because you hit a trigger in your sub, that causes a negative condition. It depends on the circumstances.

Maybe anon fucked up and violated her consent. Or maybe his action was covered by consent but he could and should have known that this could end badly, because she’s very sensitive to new stimuli or is generally triggered easily or whatever, in which case he would have also fucked up. Or maybe he had her consent to use whatever (non abusive) means he deems appropriate, could not have known or deduced that she would react that way, but she did because we’re just humans and by nature not always predictable in our reactions, in which case we would be talking about a classical 'accident’. And if it was an accident, we don’t know how he reacted to it, maybe he fucked up or maybe he provided proper aftercare/support, in which case he would have done nothing wrong. – We don’t know. - This is not to defend anon. He could have fucked up horribly or he could have caused an unfortunate accident that he handled well. I’m on nobody’s side here. My point is, that we just don’t know.

***

The only thing that we do know, from his Ask, is that he seems to be a rather young, inexperienced Dominant, who caused an 'issue’ in his relationship, and is now looking for help to fix it.

First there is his, I simplify 'I read something somewhere so I did it’ - approach, which bothers me way more, and in my opinion justifies a 'lecture’ much more, than the specifics of what he did. @anon That’s not how you do it. That is in fact a bad idea. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that reading about and getting inspired by others would be the bad part. By all means read as much as you can and implement what you find helpful or fun into your own relationship. But anything new that comes in, should be introduced in a proper way, primarily by communication. You can not just assume that something that works for others, will work for you and your sub too. If something new, that you want to try, is, by its qualities or intensity, too far away from the things you discussed already, it’s time for a new discussion, even if it is already covered by the extent of consent she gave to you, because there is more to consider than consent alone. If you haven’t done this with your sub in advance, then yes, you were right to assume that you 'messed up’ in that respect.

Second, he is perceptive and cares enough to question his actions and seek help from more experienced people, @instructor144 in particular and by extension his followership. This is not usually the attitude and behavior of an abusive Dominant and/or one who generally can’t trust his own judgements or deserves to be dumped. Reaching out for feedback and ideas, including admitting a possible mistake especially, doesn’t deserve responses like these but rather the attempt of an objective (no assuming bad intentions or jumping to conclusions) assessment of his situation, as far as possible according to the information given in the Ask, and/or at the very least some sort of mindful feedback.

On different levels, I found the responses to this Ask not very thoughtful, to say the least.

________

PART II

Now why am I making such a 'big thing’ (~long, elaborate post) of this one little Ask?! Because it’s an especially good example (due to the rather 'extreme’ negative comments in some of the reblogs) for a general phenomenon, that has never been really addressed in a proper, i.e. objective and respectful, way, so that I felt an urge to do it myself…

***

We do have some sort of a 'hierarchy’ here on Tumblr, that’s just an obvious fact. Not in theory or by definition of course, but practically and by necessity it exists, and that has nothing to do with 'elitism’ but is perfectly normal for any big enough group of individuals - it forms a structure within itself, that’s sociologically an inevitable, a natural and necessary process. I think most people would agree, many even explicitly express it frequently, that @instructor144 is on the top end of this hierarchy, as the D/s-, advice oriented blog with  probably the most followers and certainly the highest number of people approaching him via Ask, message or submission in seek for help, advice, an opinion or just an open ear. That makes him and the people who he reblogs a huge influence in the community and gives everything on his blog automatically a 'guideline’ kind of quality, no matter if he wants that or not.

[Before I continue, as a side note, so that people’s understanding of these and the following words don’t go in a wrong direction: In general I’m very much impressed of how he deals with this unique and I think rather difficult position, one that I wouldn’t want to have honestly, on top of the social food chain. I do think that he is qualified for this 'job’ and does it well, for he seems to be a respectful, knowledgeable and supportive person from all I read on his blog as a whole. Single posts that I might not agree with or find out of line don’t change that. The same goes for @delightfulsubgirl and @thetriskeliondiaries, whose two reblogs of this specific Ask I find not very mindful, but that does not apply by extension to them personally or their blogs, which I enjoy reading and generally do find thought- and helpful. I hope the two of you understand that I’m only using these posts as examples for a bigger point, and that I’m not attacking you personally. I certainly have questionable posts on my blog too, that’s just human.]

Now for the main point that I’m getting at - not referring to any individual person or blog, but generally speaking: From my observations - and even though I’m not a very active reblogger, I do read a lot here, on many different blogs - there seems to be a tendency towards more and more 'dangerously opiniated’ posts within the Tumblr BDSM community, and I think that in an exposed enough position, this bears the risk of causing real damage, in the 'Real World’, for there are real people who write Asks and read posts, with real relationships, real problems, who take words from community leaders, or featured on their blogs, very seriously. It appears to me that sometimes people forget about that in their answers, have lost touch with the reality of Tumblr.

***

From behind a desk and within one’s home with no face to face contact to the people who approach us with their questions and problems, it’s even easier to project our personal experiences and feelings to others, and we humans already have a tendency to do that extensively in general. We find something abusive so we say 'This is abusive’. Something would be outside of what we would consent to so we assume that sub x probably didn’t consent to it either. We would break up with a guy who does x so we recommend it to an anon. This is the first aspect and problem.

The second one is the extremely limited amount of information that we have to work with in an Ask. The writer has to keep it short so they will necessarily leave 99.9% of the story out and in an attempt to fit everything in a few lines maybe even phrase things in a misleading way. What we see in the end is one single puzzle piece of billions that constitute a person or relationship as a whole. To judge something or someone fairly on this basis is, if possible at all, extremely difficult.

Now to make it clear, I don’t want to invalidate the whole concept of Asks by this. In general I think it’s a good way to connect experienced, knowledgeable people with those new in this world and/or with questions or insecurities, who need feedback. Especially that everybody can reblog Asks and add their own opinions makes it a great tool, that everybody, on all ends, can benefit from. And of course it is in general possible to get the idea of an Ask from even just a few sentences and provide a meaningful opinion or support (or if it’s not possible, to ask for more info or clarification). I just think that we have to be more aware of the already mentioned inherent risks of this tool and consider them in our answers, and that this is a mindset that seems to get more and more lost here over time, and that worries me.

***

We should be very careful with recommending breakups for example for this can be a major, life changing event in somebody’s life. I understand that we want to be on the 'safe side’ and rather make someone run from a possible danger, even if in the end it turns out that it hasn’t really been one, than make someone stay within the reach of (an actual) danger. We don’t want to be responsible for any damage caused by someone following our advice so we tend to overdo it in the 'run’ rather than the 'stay’ direction. But a breakup can cause real and severe damage too! - There is a third way to handle this, than only to recommend to leave or to stay, which is a differentiated feedback including different options, without an appeal for one or the other in the end, and I think we should learn to feel more comfortable staying on this middle ground, considering the limited information we have available and the immense impact we could have on people’s actual real lifes, feelings, relationships. (Obviously I’m not talking about the few Asks where a danger is obvious, but the many where context would be required to determine that.)

Also we should be careful with generalisms and absolute statements and recommendations, like 'This is abusive’ or 'This behavior is wrong’ or 'This is a bad Dom’ or 'You should definitely…’ or 'Don’t ever…’ or the like. - Of course, again, there are cases that are obvious and it’s fine to acknowledge that and respond accordingly, but to use this type of language by default rather than selectively does more harm than good.

And, as already mentioned, we should be more aware of the psychological phenomenon of projections. This is the most difficult part, because our own experiences, fears, opinions etc naturally and inevitably influence how we 'interpret’ an Ask and how we react to it. We cannot stop to protect, but we can try to be more mindful and aware of the fact, that only because we find something 'too far’ that this doesn’t make it universally abusive or because something would freak us out that this doesn’t mean that it matters as much, or at all, to somebody else; or, from the broadest perspective, that people and Dynamics are individuals and some of them might work in a way that we can’t understand on the basis of our own mental framework and that this doesn’t make this other person or Dynamic somehow 'wrong’. - We should consider these things in our answers and posts.

***

I’ve read a lot of posts and answers recently where the authors took the easy path of assumptions, projections and generalisms, and I think this is a dangerous thing to do, considering that we’re dealing with real people, desperate enough to reach out for help. And the more popular a blog is, the wider its range, the more dangerous it becomes, because people question words of widely accepted leaders much less than these of other people for we think and feel intuitively that a leader with a big following gained this position for a reason, for being trustworthy and wise (and of course that’s more often than not true), so we trust them and tend to follow their words. - This gives us a big responsibility, guys! Let’s all be a little more aware of that please. Especially those of you who are 'higher in the hierarchy’, with a lot of followers yourself or being regularly reblogged by 'high profile blogs’, please don’t underestimate your influence and keep in mind, that you can have a big impact on people’s actual, real lifes by what you write and reblog. Others look up to you and 'follow’ you, not only in a technical but also a social sense of the word!

__________

Now since this is by nature a controversial topic in general already, plus I know from experience, that also I personally seem to be perceived as a rather controversial figure myself, I want to close, preemptively, with this:

I ask you not to interpret this post as targeted at single people or a certain group of people for a lecture about any kind of wrongdoing or about how anybody should run their blogs or phrase their answers, but to understand it as I mean it, as a hopefully meaningful contribution to the community as a whole by providing a (different) point of view and suggesting some ideas to consider. I mean no disrespect to anybody and I don’t want to trigger any adversarial behavior or feelings among ourselves. I hope we can all agree that controversy is a healthy part of any debate culture and I personally enjoy reading all your individual approaches to D/s and Tumblr as a place to talk about it.

***

The End.

________

Have a nice day, everybody. Take care of each other 🌼 - Mathilda

A boy fucks your body. A man fucks your soul.

I was struggling to explain the difference between a Sadist, who finds pleasure in pain, and builds up their play partner, just a cruel person who finds nothing in another's suffering but themselves, and tears their play partner down for the purpose of their own self agrandizement. Can you help me explain the nuanced difference in detail? Thanks so much!

keptmathilda:

instructor144:

Nothing nuanced about it. One word:

CONSENT

A BDSM sadist does their devilry to a partner who gives informed consent to it, and who has a guaranteed way to stop it at any time (i.e., a safeword) A classic sadistic monster does not care if there’s consent, in fact they prefer that there not be consent, which is why they often torture children and animals. Two completely different human types.

Nailed it. That’s exactly what it is about - Consent!

_______

But additionally, on an underlying level, there are more ‘nuanced’ differences too, between violence and sadism (here meant in the sense of the ’S’ in ‘BDSM’) :

1.) Violence is about damaging. Sadism is about hurting (causing pain without causing damage).

2.) Violence is an expression of aggression and self conscience. Sadism is an expression of passion and self confidence.

3.) Violence feeds off anger and fear. Sadism feeds off arousal and excitement.

4.) Violence is antagonism. S&M is teamwork.

5.) Violence causes trauma. Sadism causes orgasms. / Violence has (sorts of) positive effects (relief, stress venting, feeling of superiority) on the violator and negative effects (damage, trauma, fear) on the victim. Sadism has only positive effects on both partners (fun, relief, arousal, satisfaction, happy hormones/happy place, bonding with each other, ecstasy).

6.) Violence is being out of control. Sadism is explicitly about being in full control.

7.) Violence comes from a place of disability, incapability, insecurity. Sadism comes from a place of ability, capability, security.

8.) Violence requires sociopathy, negligence, a lack of responsibility, loss of control. Sadism requires empathy, attention, a strong sense of responsibility, restraint.

9.) Violence is conducted without reason or thinking. Sadism (done in a safe and fun way) is conducted on the basis of experience, knowledge, skill.

10.) Violence 'works’ because of the victim’s fear. Sadism works because of the partner’s joy.

11.) Violence is a crime. Sadism is a kink.